first blog post of Resonance: rediscovering the music

hello!

...and thank you for stopping by my new blog, Resonance! I hope that this blog can be entertaining, encouraging, or helpful to you along your own musical journey. To kickstart this new journey, I wanted to share my own journey towards musicianship after taking a multi-year hiatus from flute and classical music.

band kids for life

Let me be the first to say that I was always very enthusiastic in my interests growing up. From being "a serious reader" at the tender age of 8 to having a horse girl phase to watching the movie Hocus Pocus every night for a solid year, I really leaned into my interests, and still do in many ways.

It may then be no surprise that when I discovered flute at age 11, I quickly and fully embraced my new identity as a band kid. Though I had tried piano lessons a few years earlier, it didn't quite stick in the way that flute eventually would. Not that I loved the flute starting out. As many flutists can confirm, it is very difficult to get a sound out of a flute on the first try...or second or third or fourth. But, with continued encouragement and enough persistence to finally start learning how to play my instrument, I was hooked.

Throughout middle and high school, my number 1 identifying factor was that of a musician. As many young musicians do, I threw myself into many music-related extracurriculars and activities. I even decided that I would pursue a major in music education in undergrad and would go on to be a band director and flutist. That was the plan and there was absolutely no room for deviation.

it didn't go to plan

I know, in hindsight, our futures rarely turn out exactly how we imagine them, and I was no exception. After 1 year in music school, the anxiety and stress became too much to deal with and I decided that I no longer wanted to be a musician. Along with immediate relief at shedding some of my guilt and anxiety was dread because if I wasn't a musician, who was I? While I now realize that this is a lifelong question to answer, I started pursuing other interests outside of music and put my flute away for a little while until the lingering shame and feelings of failure were eased. This ended up being an approximately 9-year hiatus from touching my flute.

I certainly thought about it over the years, usually with feelings of guilt for completely abandoning something that gave me such life and joy for so many of my formative years. But whenever I thought about playing flute, I didn't remember those feelings, only feelings of inadequacy, regret, and fear. Now, especially as a social worker, I can recognize that I was dealing with serious signs of burnout that I never fully addressed. Everyone is unique in their journey but for me, the only thing that helped was time away from my flute.

Part of it was certainly beginning again in the learning process and not being afraid to make mistakes, go slow, be patient with myself, and enjoy the entire process instead of just the outcomes.

back in the saddle

Fast forward to March 2022. I had been thinking about my flute sitting in my closet for months at this point and started looking into private lessons. I had discussed my feelings of guilt and inadequacy in therapy and while diving more into the classical music world, was surprised at what I saw. While I assumed during music school that I was the only one who felt less-than, I realized that many people have the same feelings and were starting to speak about experiences they have had in music education, both positive and negative.

I realized that I was not unique at all and wow, was it a relief! I wasn't having these feelings because I was inadequate but because of many external factors outside of my control and at the time, I did the best I could in handing a tough situation. All of this culminated in a revelation that I no longer had to rely on music to be my source of income, my livelihood, or my entire identity as a person. I could simply enjoy playing flute again just for me.

Back into the saddle I went (what can I say, I'm still a horse girl at heart) and was amazed at the complete perspective shift that I had developed while away from my flute. Part of it was certainly beginning again in the learning process and not being afraid to make mistakes, go slow, be patient with myself, and enjoy the entire process instead of just the outcomes.

so here we are

Two years later and still enjoying flute just as much as when I picked it back up and certainly more than the last time I put it down. Don't get me wrong, there are frustrating days, practice sessions, and I still grapple with feelings of inadequacy, but I feel like I am certainly on my way to healing a part of myself that I wasn't sure would ever be accessible to me again.

If this sounds familiar, I hope that you can give yourself grace and time to work on your relationship with music. When you're ready, you will rediscover the music.